im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
