the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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