Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize