Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
