you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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