conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
there is glitter all over my balls
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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