Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
