I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Even my vagina gasped.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
COCAINE IS GR8
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
