You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
