My Higher Power is John Stamos
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
