I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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