i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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