Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
