New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
