My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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