Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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