You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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