So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You're breaking my sexual little heart
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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