guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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