I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
