i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
