He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
