I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
