everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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