I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
