Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Randomize
