I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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