Got a toothbrush?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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