the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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