Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
