Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
