my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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