I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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