I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
