Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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