I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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