The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
