He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
