I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Randomize
