I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
