stop calling my apartment porn island.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Randomize
