the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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