I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
