would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
