so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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