every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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