Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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