He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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