Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
