i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
