That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hippo gnu deer
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
