Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
