I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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