i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
