I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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