i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
