Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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