Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
